I Sold My Soul to the Devil and Now I Want Pie!

You've all read how I lament over not having painted in a while and how I feel there is just no time in the day/week/month to get a single painting done.  I have to admit, part of that is laziness, part of it is the complete inability to be creative on demand in the minuscule amount of free time I do have, and part if is actually true there is so very little time in my day that I can't get any work done.

The winds of change are blowing through my household, however.  Back in October I sold my soul and went back to work.  Sounds dramatic I know, but it really felt that way at the time as my friend over at A Lil Welsh Rarebit can attest.  The weekend before I was due to start working she and I took a trip out to NYC for girl talk, R&R, and shopping.  We had a little R&R, a bit of shopping, a good amount of girl talk (although we're capable of far more talk than we did on that trip) and I came home knowing I had made the wrong choice to return to work.  I wanted to stay home, eat pie and bonbons, take care of my kids, watch Oprah and meet girlfriends at coffee shops and talk about our kids.  Most of that is NOT what happens when you are a stay at home mom, but people seem to think it is so I'm going with it...it's a goal.  ha!

But I was too far down the process of background checks and security clearances for the job to back out...so on I trudged to the job I no longer wanted and just months before was so excited about.  I was feeling fully I had sold my soul for a good paycheck, sold my soul and my dreams for a 9-5 job (OK it's more like a 9-8 job)...sold my kids off into daycare-slavery to be cared for by some well-meaning stranger who I just knew couldn't do anywhere near as good a job as me taking care of my kids.

Those winds of change I mentioned...through circumstances I won't get into - if all works out with my contract with the government I will be reducing my hours at work.  I will be working 10a.m.-4:00 p.m. Allowing me at the very least to be able to drop my kids at daycare as well as picking them up.  If the government isn't able to adjust my contract to accommodate these shortened hours I will be out of a job and at home full time with my youngest kid (trying to break the habit of calling him my baby) and I think we have found a way to pay for my oldest to stay in daycare even if I don't work.

Honestly, I have my fingers crossed that the second scenario is what takes place.  Then I can eat that pie, sup on bonbons while watching Oprah, chat with girlfriends at coffee shops and maybe, just maybe find time for some painting!

Work/Life Balance

Work Life Balance.

What does that phrase mean to you?  I can't speak for everyone else but for me, pre-kids, that phrase meant making sure I took out time from work to have a life.  Life, meaning a bit of travel, some vacation, meeting up with friends for happy hour, getting some of my paintings finished...LIFE.

Now that I have kids, that phrase means, making sure I don't feel overwhelmingly guilty every single time I have to take time off from work because the kids are sick, have a school event, need to pick them up from school because the husband is travelling.  It means, trying not to feel guilty because (and my eyes are welling up with tears as I type this one) I only see my baby, my youngest son, a maximum of 30 minutes each day because he's in bed by the time I get home and the morning routine is roughly 30 mins of eating, getting dressed and getting to daycare.

With my whole being I wish I could have stayed home with Paul during these youngest years the way I did with Peter.  I've missed so, so very many of Paul's milestone-moments.  Peter, however would have suffered as he was ready to go to school, ready to be around other kids and daycare was not an affordable option unless I returned to work.

*SIGH*  If only we were independently wealthy.

There's added guilt there too...I was sick...sooo sooo sick of being at home all the time.  I was snapping at Peter for things my husband would find adorable.  He found these things adorable because he wasn't at home all day with him, everyday with no break... ever... these things that were so cute to my husband I had seen and heard 800 times a day, 7 days a week and was sick, sick sick of it.  I needed adult conversation that didn't revolve around babies (apologies to my mom-friends - nothing personal).

So, here I am on the flip-side of the decision to return to work...wishing for what?  That I wasn't working!  How very human.

Thus...my yearning for "balance".

Now I think more realistically what I'm wanting is a part time job.  Yes, what I need is (ready for this pipe-dream list?):

• To be home when the kids are home
• Have a part-time job that still pays me my full-time wage
• be able to guilt-free do the things for myself that make me happy which include:
• Being with the kids when it suits me
• Being alone (painting, spa, walks) when it suits me
• TIME ALONE WITH MY HUSBAND!!!!

Maybe that last sub-bullet should be a bullet unto itself.

All of this dreaming is fine and good, but back to reality what I really have to do is focus on the realities of my life and realize that A) I could have far worse problems (like no job, homeless, starving, not able to choose to send my kids to daycare); B) I have a fantastic family that works together to ensure we're all chugging along as smoothly as possible; C) I have really fantastically understanding bosses who don't bat an eye when I say for the 800th time "my son is sick and I have to go get him from school" - and really that last item is so very important!!! D) things will change - the kids will grow up, there will be other milestones to witness and E) as they say, I've got my health!

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I can't believe it's been since February of this year that I've posted.  Now that my parents have moved away from DC to California, I will definitely have to get better at posting on here.  Some photos of the boys who are getting so big!

Paul is now 14 1/2 months old and Peter is 3 1/2 years old.

Cabin Fever

OK, I'm officially pissed off at YouTube that seems to be refusing to post my entire playlist linked together here.  So... I"m having to add each of them.  If you only look at one, look at the titled "Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in V".  


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in I


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in II


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in III


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in IV


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in V


Snow days - snow craze - the cabin fever sets in VI

Paul Can Stand on his Own!

I should be blogging about the more than 2 feet of snow we've gotten here in Washington, DC but I'm totally focused on the fact that my 11 month old son has spent the past few days working on standing with out holding on to anything.  That little guys is soooo very close to walking - boy are we ever in trouble!

Some shots of Paul mastering his new skill:



OK, a couple of shots of the snow too:

Giving up The Dream?

I’m an artist…a painter.   At least I use to be.  I painted abstract paintings back in the day.

…oi!

That HURTS to say in the past tense.  I do mean it HURTS both physically and emotionally.  Can it really be over?  The dream?  It can’t be!  Is this really how it happens?  The seemingly small choices I’ve made during my life to date have made major impacts on my art “career” (in quotes because I’m not sure it ever could have been considered a career).

How it happened:

• Art school, then...
• Diversionary Choice #1: Didn’t finish school to follow ex-husband to DC
• Diversionary Choice #2: slowed creativity to concentrate on making more money to...well, live
• Diversionary Choice #3: Divorced ex-husband and left with extremely burdenous debt, thus more concentration on work/money and less on painting
• Glimmer of light (insert choir of angels here): noticed downturn in creativity and general malaise in my attitude..worked toward painting more and started showing in galleries in DC...things were looking good!
• Diversionary Choice #4: FELL.  IN. LOVE.
• Diversionary Choice #5 (and they really start coming fast now): move in with new love
• Diversionary Choice #6: have babies with new love
• Diversionary Choice #7: which actually looked like a good move towards painting more: QUIT WORKING, to stay home with new baby...that new baby required more time and attention than I thought...no painting occurred.
• Diversionary Choice #8: Baby #2
• Diversionary Choice #9: go back to work to gain good education for little cherubs

And little by little I gave up my “free time” to the ones I love and to say I wouldn’t have it any other way is an out right lie!  The other way I’d like to have it is to have my loved ones, my husband, my two insanely grand boys, and my parents about me all the time ~AND~ still have time to paint in the manner I used to approach painting.

My method of painting back pre-boyfriend, pre-kids, pre----any-kind-of-responsibility, beyond sustenance for myself was… work all day, paint all night with wine and music (and after a couple of glasses of wine it was dancing and painting) and sleep 3 or 4 hours, repeat.  Come the weekend it was play all day, play all night, paint all morning, sleep 3 or 4 hours, repeat.

What a life.  I look back on it in fondness and miss the inspiration gained from consorting with strangers, sitting on the sidelines watching life go by, people watching (which I think takes a certain skill - people don't look at one another anymore!), spur-of-the-moment jaunts to the National Gallery of Art, etc… etc… etc…

I can totally see how the infamous bad-boys of the art world, shirked all relationships to live the bohemian life of art, sex, drugs and fun!  What a life!   And here’s the thing… to be great at something, anything not just art…to be truly great...  you really do have to make those big choices.  There are so, so few out there who accomplish the big achievements without some sort of huge personal or emotional sacrifice.

That’s it.  That’s where I sit.  Could I have been a great artist, heck I don’t know.  In all reality, probably not.  To be a house-hold name in art/painting is even harder than becoming a household name in movies.  How many RECENT artists do you know off the top of your head?  If you know more than 5 then your disqualified because you’re one of my artist friends who is steeped in the current art world.  If you’re a common person, not following the art game, Joe-schmoe who has happened upon my blog, chances are the first artist you think of is Warhol or Pollock..then…your stuck listing off Renoir or Degas or Picasso.

So, the question remains.  Is the dream gone?  Have I given up the dream?  Where in my daily routine can I fit in painting?!  Here’s the daily agenda:

6:00a.m. – 7:30 a.m. wake with kids, get them up dressed, fed, cleaned from feeding, diaper changes, bags packed for school and ready to leave…most of the time I don’t get to eat breakfast…

8:00 a.m. – 8:30 a.m. – get kids to school, catch bus to work

9:00 am. – arrive at work

6:30 – 8:30 p.m. somewhere in there I get to leave work – depends on the day

7:00 p.m. – 9:00 pm.  depending on when I leave work I get home, if home by 7pm I put the oldest to bed, the youngest is already in bed, eat dinner and go to bed by 9 or 10pm (I’m up late tonight at 10:15 p.m.).

And that’s my day.  No exercise.  No art. Barely time to say hello to my husband.  I am soooo sooooo ready for this routine to change!

HOW IN THE HELL DO WORKING PARENTS KEEP THIS PACE?!  

Have I been spoiled up until now?  I used to luxuriate in idle debates of world-issues with my husband over a glass of wine and whatever exotic meal we decided to create that evening with some random favorite music of ours playing in the background.

GONE.

Those days are so long gone, that it’s simply sad to even think about now.

But there is hope.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is the progression of time where the kids get older, slightly more independent … able to dress themselves... able to go to bed without a major hour long battle…able to “put pee pee in the potty” by themselves, for Christ’s sake!  When those days get here perhaps I can gain a minute here and minute there and suddenly a full hour to …  in all reality probably not paint, but SLEEP!

This all probably gives new meaning to the phrase "a tortured artist"!

Paul is 10 months old!

God, where does the time go?!  Paul will be a year old in just two months!!  I just love him to pieces!  He's all over the place crawling and cruising between furniture.  He loves "walking around" pushing his older brother's toy car around.  We went for his wellness exam and got his shots and some blood work done, we also got his stats:

Weight 21lbs 5 oz (down to the 25%)
Height: 39.5 inches (75% for that one)
Head Circumference: 18.5 inches

So he's growing and I"m shocked to find he has dropped so low in percentiles for weight, because all this kid does is eat!  Almost anything we put in front of him he devours.  He has two little teeth in the bottom front and he uses those suckers to nosh on apple wedges, bagels, orange slices, he eats like he has a head full of teeth!  He loves making noise and grunts and says mamamamama and dadadadadda a lot.  He'll clap on cue and wave and recently we got him to blow kisses but we can't get him to do it on cue every time.

One of his favorite pass times is chasing the cat and squeezing her.  Our cat either likes it a lot or is just incredibly stupid.  She will saunter past Paul with her tail in the air as slow as possible until she has his attention and then pretend to try and get away - but never actually runs off, she just kind of saunters a little faster.  It's like she's waiting for him to do this (see the photo to the right).

Paul has been at the home-based daycare that we started Peter at (well both boys started together) back around Thanksgiving last year.  Paul is quite happy there and now that all the issues with getting him to sleep at the school seem to have been sorted out I'm happy with him there too.  The staff there just loves Paul so much and I have so much confidence leaving him in the care of women who are clearly so very anxious just to hold him when we arrive each morning to drop him off.

Paul seems to have the same love of music Peter has and we even managed to catch him on video playing the piano with his little fingers all proper-like (that's the first video below).  The big-deal gift of Peter's birthday which we played down a bit, was this giant authentic African drum that was made by a man in Africa that is friends with a friend (did you follow that)...basically it's quite unique and damn nice!  Anyway, you'll see Paul banging on it in the series of videos below (the drum is taller than him).
:

Here's a series of 4 videos of him ...well, being him :)

Finally! My Mom's Photos of Peter's Birthday Party!!!

So, a little harassment in my previous post got my Mom moving on the photos from Peter's 3rd Birthday Party.  I was anxious to get them because she took so many more than me as well as some videos!  She claims her computer at  home isn't working and she wasn't able to upload them....I guess I believe her!  ;)  Below is a link to her pictures she took and a link to videos.

I've picked a couple of favorite pics and videos below:

And my favorite videos:

The kids helping Peter open Gifts:


and, a general video of the party:


All of the videos can be found here:


All of my mother's photos have been incorporated with the previous photos, they're intermingled and start with photos from before the party with the kids eating breakfast to the aftermath when everyone was gone...

Click here to view these pictures larger