To Bravely Go Where I've Never Gone Before

I think that destination "where I've never gone before" was achieved with my second pregnancy and I reached a  size....well....I won't say exactly -  but I'll  share that at  my  peak (can you  say peak for something negative?) ... at my  peak I  had  to  shop in the plus size section.

I'm  no longer shopping in the plus size section, but I'm  also nowhere near the size I was when I met my  husband (that's my  goal).

So...where is it I'm going so bravely that I've never been before...you may laugh at me but it's to an exercise class.  I've always avoided them... they were always intimidating.  Everyone in there always seemed to already know the moves, further it seemed those veterans were showing off a bit whenever a new person was fumbling their way through the routine.  I'm not joining just any ol' exercise class, I’ve joined this class that practices a form of Strength Yoga. If you're curious, check out their website here:  http://www.stroga.com/

My first class is tonight. I was crazy nervous about it yesterday and today...ah...I shrug my shoulders and say...I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me in there - I have a goal to meet and I will meet it!!!

PS.   let me apologize now for any annoying extra spaces or typos in this post.  My 1 year old has removed roughly 12 keys from my laptop!   I think I caught all the typos…but I might have missed a few.

A Conscious Decision to Deprive Myself of Sleep!

That's it!  I've made a decision, a well thought out decision, to deprive myself of sleep.  After the last kid goes to bed at 9pm and after a good hour of quality time with the husband I will not go to bed as I usually do, I will stay up.  I will stay up, I will play some inspirational music (not religious silly - artistically moving), I might even open a bottle of wine, but most importantly I will be locking myself away in the basement EVERY.  SINGLE. NIGHT. to PAINT PAINT PAINT !!

My creative needs have gotten to the point that the images in my head are keeping me up anyway - I might as well get them out on canvas before I go truly bizerk!  The dreams I'm having as a result of a lack of creativity are nothing less than frightening.  I won't get into that now, but I have a plan:

I will clear out our office area that's just off the kids' play area in the basement - who needs an office at home anyway?!  - Mark can work in the dining room   **GRIN**  I will just splatter paint everywhere have a ball and be (tired) happy, happy happy!

Done.

Finished.

The debate is over.

Look for a post in about six months about my next showing - hopefully the owner at MOCA-DC still remembers me and I can get back to a showing...like this one years and years ago:

Friggin Women in Giant SUVs!!!

"If you can't drive that stupid SUV - why the heck did you buy it?!"

"Lady, if you can't see over the steering wheel, you have no business being in that driver's seat!"

These are among the more pleasant comments I've made about women who can't driver their SUVs - don't know why I never focused on the men who can't drive their SUVs but that's a topic for another post.  I live in the city where parking is scarce and tight...and if you can't parallel park - forget it, you need to leave.  I have had many occasions for extreme laughter watching some idiot in their huge vehicle completely perpendicular to the sidewalk while trying to parallel park in a spot that will only fit half their land barge.

I am definitely not that bad with my parallel parking but I have to shamefully turn that finger back around and include myself in the league of women who own SUVs and can't drive them.  My excuse...what else?  Kids.  My husband and I don't buy vehicles very often; in fact this mid-sized SUV (a Toyota Highlander to be precise) was procured just this past October.  The vehicle it replaced was a 1998 Camry.  We obviously plan to own this car for at least the next 10 years.  Years where our two boys will be starting school, participating in sports; we foresaw hauling a great deal of sh*t.  We also pack up the family car at least twice a year and drive 15 hours up to Montreal to visit the family - the last trip up the car was LOADED.  So we have a need but I think (I wish) we could have gotten by without the SUV.  The Camry was too big for me.  Until I met my husband I drove small two-door cars.  In fact I was eyeing the Mini Cooper when we decided to get pregnant and if it weren't for kids I'd be eyeing that Smartcar right now too (totally me).

Back to our land barge.  We've owned the stupid thing almost a year and I continue to be the woman who's back tire is up on the curb while parking (shameful), takes 4 or 5 attempts to parallel park (although NEVER perpendicular to the sidewalk), I have yet to clip the side view mirror with anything but that's only because I so painfully have no feel for the width of our car that I'm the jackass driving down the middle of the street or dramatically pulling over to let other cars pass.  Today I had the rare opportunity to drive to the grocery store instead of walk.  I parked so close to the wall I couldn't open the door to get the baby out of his car seat and had to get back in and move the car to a different spot just to get him.  When I was finished shopping and backing out to leave I scraped the back driver's side quarter panel along the concrete column.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

OH I was freaking out.  My husband keeps a scratch repair kit in the glove box, I got it out and stood with a tiny tube of gel in my hands gawking at the 2 feet of scratches and paint on the car.  I got to work!  That stuff's great, all that was left were a few remaining very deep scratches.  Most of the scratches that had me freaking out turned out to be paint from the concrete column.  Still..I had to go home and admit what I'd done.  Something that wasn't going to be easy as the only reason I have the car today is because my husband is home from working waiting on roofers to come by and give estimates on what it will cost to replace or leaking roof.  This wasn't going to be easy because we just two weeks ago got the car back from the repair shop.  A giant storm swept through the city and dropped this tree on our car:

So, the car with the brand new bumper to bumper paint job just two weeks later has deep scratches and  DAMN IT I WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT!  Why oh why couldn't he have been the one?!

*sigh*

I got home.  Admitted the mistake, a small volcanic eruption of expletives spewed forth and then...he was fine.  Fine?  I was braced for a tidal wave.  I think he was disarmed by the fact that I didn't even remotely try to argue or defend myself.  What could I say or do?  I did it.

So, this once prideful "good driver" - and believe me I was!!!  No, I am damn it all!  Just not in an SUV... is resigned to being the woman making a total ass of herself by always having to open the door to use the drive-up ATM, the one who nips the curb with the back tire when turning, who always misjudges her car's size and will embarrassingly have to re-park the thing for the next ten years.

TEN YEARS?!  NO!

Please someone save me and send over that cute little smart car!  The silver convertible will do just fine!

I Cried at the Gym

Weeping Woman By: Picasso

It's true.  I cried at the gym yesterday.  Not for reasons you might think.  I've signed up with a local family-owned gym that has a whole different attitude and approach to things...they ask you personal questions, they forewarn you that they will harass you when you don't show up for your work out and they give much needed hand-holding and explaining of the equipment for free...I don't have to pay for a trainer (woohoo).  AND once I'm comfortable with the equipment, I get a key and passcode (the gym is 24 hours a day!). Part of the signing up process required me to give them an honest-to-the-corp reason for signing on...why am I there...not "to get in shape"...but WHY do I want to get in shape?

Well, you know me... (maybe you don't) but I've never been one to hold back on personal stuff - so when someone asks a personal question they tend to get a damn honest answer.  My answer to why am I getting in shape?  Why now?  Was this:  "Well, I'll be 40 next year.  My youngest son is just 1 year old.  Well, 2 years old in March.  If you do the math ... if I don't start taking care of myself I may not be around to see him get married and at even greater risk of not being around when those grand-babies arrive."  That unexpectedly choked me up when I started talking about my own mortality out loud.  Choked me up big time.  The tears sprung out of my eyes so fast that it was like an unplugged damn.  I was mortified.  Luckily, Joy, the product of hippie parents and frankly a bit of a hippy herself was not bothered at all.  She took it in stride, offered a tissue and said - I think I've got my ammo for making you get yourself back in the gym the day you disappear on us.

I think this could be the beginning of something good.

Still Can't Strike a Balance

Ever since my first child was born I've been struggling to strike a balance.  I realize I'm not alone in this struggle and on some level that helps but it's still my struggle.  My oldest will be four years old in January and my youngest will be 2 in March and I've still not been able to quite find that balance.  I have a pretty good reputation as an incredible assistant and I'd like to continue in that world supporting very high level people.  I don't know any other way to work than to give it my all - however, my last run at working I've discovered "my all" does not meet my standard of acceptable work.  I will be the first to tell you that I really HAD NO LIFE pre-kids; so my standard of acceptable was pretty high.  If you had told me I had no life back then I would have argued with you and adamantly disagreed.  However, now that I DO have a life - I can admit I wasn't living my life to its fullest potential.  There was a lot of wasted and valuable time that I sure wish I could get back now.

Back to getting that balance.  I've looked to dozens of people for some frank commentary and advice (and not just working moms) and I've come to one conclusion - this is MY STRUGGLE.  No one can answer this one for me.  I have to do what feels right for me and how it affects my family.  I know, I'm a bit slow - or maybe hard-headed.  It just doesn't compute for me that I can't be the assistant I was before...things outside my control and things that mean much more to me than my job will pull me away.  Sometimes pulling me away mid-day and for several days at a time.  Being pulled away unexpected for several days at a time is just really something I have a hard time accepting in my work life.  I was always the one who was at work at 6:30/7:00a.m. and didn't leave until long after the boss had gone home.  Some of that can still happen - and I think most of what made me a good assistant is more important - just the basic that I care seems to unfortunately be unusual.

What brings all this to the frontal lobes again...I'm at home again with my 1 year old and have been since the beginning of June.  However, two things have occurred that's bringing me back to the job market - an extremely high profile philanthropist and business person in the DC area is interested in me as their personal assistant (never done the personal assistant thing before).  The headhunter contacted me yesterday, I have to decide if I want to interview for this job.  It's high profile, extremely well paying and since it's supporting this person on a personal level I assume the hours will definitely affect my home-life.  But this is going to be life going forward, I've risen about as high up as I can go as an Exec. Assistant (excluding supporting some insanely wealthy person - like, owns a whole country wealthy) and at this level the hours are most definitely NOT 9-5.

The second thing that has happened, or rather WILL happen, is when my youngest turns two he will start the day school with his older brother and there will be no need for me to stay at home.  So .. in a few short months (7 to be exact) I will be on the job market again.  Since finding a job that pays at my level is slow going I've already contacted my headhunters to let them know I'm available.  I'm affectively looking for a job seven months before I want to start.  If something comes up before March ... it'll have to be a damn near perfect fit and I'll have to hire a nanny I guess or figure something out...that part actually is easier than deciding on the right fit job.

So...woe-is-me...right? [that's sarcasm there - i do realize people have way tougher problems]  I can get a really well-paying job and help sock away for retirement and college funds or I can go for a lesser job that is 9-5 (and let's be frank...not very interesting compared to the high level ones) and see my kids more and save less towards retirement/college.  The other thing to consider is longevity...supporting someone higher profile will give me the stability to work with them for a very long time and possibly follow them wherever they may go.  Getting a gig lower in the ranks with finite hours doesn't really guarantee me well...anything.

Well, I'm off to decide whether to be a personal assistant or not....  just unloading a stream of consciousness for the whole world to read...  why do I do that?!

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Since I haven't posted in a while...here's some cuteness (ie.  my kids):