I'm feeling that deep twinge of guilt for putting my 6 month old (well, he'll be 7 months old when he starts) in the care of a stranger. My 2 1/2 year old is more than ready for daycare. Still, I wish there was some way for me to get that forever sought after balance of of staying at home with the kids and oh so fulfilling experience of working.
I won't lie, I miss work, I never stopped missing work. I miss having a conversation that doesn't revolve around kids, I miss wearing clothes; real clothes not jogging pants and shorts covered in spit up and food. Although I'm sure I'll occasionally be heading to work with food and spit up on my suits. I hope not.
Where, you ask, might I be going to work? Well, I took this really boring job that is sure to be easy on me and not demanding at all. That last sentence was drenched in sarcasm. I took a position at the State Department supporting the Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs. It promises to be exciting, no doubt about it. I was relieved to see there would be no travel required of me and at the same time I was a little disappointed. I'm nothing but a ball of conflicting emotions and thoughts that I'm sure will work themselves out as our family settles in to the new routine of mommy working.
The hugest impact will fall on my husband. Not because he's lazy. He always takes the kids off my hands the instant he comes home from work, he always does the daily grocery store run, he almost always cooks the dinner, and every single night he gives our two year old his bath and puts him to bed. But, since I wasn't working I saw the kids as my job. So I saw to it that all things kids related I took care of. I didn't work the next day so never did my husband have to deal with a night feeding or a nightmare. That is, until the second baby came along, then he kind of took over the two year old who would occasionally wake up and need some soothing. I always did the doc visits and shopping and of course I was with them all day.
Now that I'm going back to work and since my work day starts at 7:30 am, my husband gets the joy of wrestling BOTH kids out of bed, getting them dressed, fed and delivered to the daycare with their bags of necessities for the day. Luckily, the daycare cooks hot meals for breakfast, snacks and lunch so my husband doesn't have to worry about packed lunches. I figure if I prepare all the baby's bottles, pack the bag and lay out all the clothes the night before the morning should go more or less smoothly. It's also lucky that if he has trouble feeding the boys breakfast the day care serves a breakfast at 9:30.
Still, I worry. I feel guilty. I will miss seeing my 6 month old's bright beautiful smile all day and miss his first steps and first words. I will miss watching my two year old and his antics and he is just beginning pretend play - the funnest part of child hood. But...for my two year old, this is EXACTLY why he needs to be in school so he has other children to pretend with.
Oh I wish I could hold tight to them forever!